One Chance to Cry
by Daughter of Yub Yub
Summary: Death in the aftermath of The Kindly Ones. Sometimes, it's not easy.


**One Chance to Cry**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Sandman, it belongs to Neil Gaiman  
**A/N:** Special thanks to for betaing this for me.

"ENOUGH!" I holler at the sky. "I have had _quite_ enough of this."

"We are merely performing our function, Lady."

Oh, I bet you are. I bet you take pleasure in it, don't you? You don't get to watch this. I won't let you have the satisfaction. There will be dignity in this. I won't have anyone watching in triumph. "Leave us alone. This is between me and my brother."

They're really gone. I almost wish they weren't. It was easier to deal with it all when the Kindly Ones were bearing down on us. Now, it's just so quiet. The rain still falls, but the winds no longer howl. I guess it never really was the wind. It's just me and Dream now. "There."

I pause, struggling to think of something else to say. "Well... what _are_ we going to do with you?" I try to keep my tone casual. I want this to sound like a million other conversations we've had over the aeons. I want it to _be_ like all those other conversations. I don't want it to end. I'm trying not to think of how it will end, but how can I ignore it?

"They are destroying the Dreaming. What else can we do?" I hate it when he's right. His hands are tied. And because of that, so are mine. The King of Dreams must protect the Dreaming. And I... I can never lay down my duties. "I have made all the preparations necessary."

"Hmph. You've been making them for _ages_. You just didn't let yourself know that was what you were doing." No amount of preparation could make this any easier for me. Still, this is just like him. Always the reliable one, making sure everything was in order first.

"If you say so." I do say so. I'm right, though I find no satisfaction in knowing that.

"Dream? Give me your hand." I stare at him, trying to take it all in. I need to fix this all in my memory. I'll never get another chance to see him, so I can't waste this one.

He reaches up to me. I move my hand down slowly, as if it will take an eternity to bridge that gap. Nothing lasts forever, and I cringe just before we touch.

In a flash, it's all over. In an instant, he's gone. Just like that, I'm left standing alone on the highest peak in the Dreaming.

What do I do now? Where do I go? Who can I turn to?

No one.

Destiny? He wouldn't understand. All he can see is what must be. He's even more wrapped up in his responsibilities than Dream is. Was. Destruction would understand, but he's not here anymore. I've never missed him more than I do right now. He might have found a way to ease this pain. Who else is there? Despair? She can give no comfort. Desire? Desire has wanted this to happen for centuries. There will be no consolation in _that_ realm. Del? If I fall apart around her, it will do nothing except hurt her. I'm sure she would try to help, but I can't do that to her. I need to pull myself together before I see her. She's going to need me.

There's nowhere for me to go. But I can't stay here in my brother's realm. The rain still pounds down on a kingdom torn apart. I can't deal with it, I need to get out of here.

The borders of my realm are as desolate as the dark shores of nightmare. The Sunless Lands are not meant to be cheery, but my house, at their core, is different. I need to get somewhere bright. Never has my function weighed so heavily on me as it does now. I thought I had come to terms with this ages ago, but now it's all coming crashing down around me.

He was my brother. He wasn't perfect, but neither was he completely flawed. He was Dream, Morpheus, Oneiros, Kai'ckul, the Lord Shaper. Whatever name they called him, he was my little brother and I loved him dearly. And then I killed him.

Okay, I know, in my mind, that he killed himself, but that doesn't make it any easier. I was still the one who took his life. He still died when I touched his hand. It was what he wanted. Usually, the job is easier when they want to see me. Not this time. It hasn't been this hard since... since Despair.

I'm not cut out for this when it's family. How many more siblings am I going to have to take? How am I supposed to take them all, at the end?

I find my way home and turn on all the lights. Pathetic fallacy was Dream's thing. He would make it rain now, and maybe add an earthquake or something. He did make it storm before I found him. I can't deal with that. I see no comfort in having miserable surroundings on top of a miserable heart.

The house is just as I left it. The goldfish are still swimming in the bowl as if nothing has happened. Not a care in the world. Lucky fish. I watch them for a moment so that I don't have to look at the family portrait on the other wall.

That thought reminds me of something, and I step into my gallery. I don't really think any of my siblings would come see me right now, but closing my realm just seems like the proper thing to do. I glance at an empty frame. It's not even that I don't want to deal with anyone. I want nothing more than to have someone here with me to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But there's only one person who could do that, and he's three centuries gone. The only ones who might come through shouldn't have to see me like this. I can't let them see me like this.

Beside the empty frame is even worse. Another reminder of someone who won't be coming into the gallery. The helm is gone. Dream's frame isn't just empty like Destruction's, though. I might have been able to face that. Not this. It's cracked from side to side. Shattered. We have a lot in common, that frame and I.

My realm sealed, I flee the gallery. I need to get away from those empty frames. Those painful reminders.

I search around for any source of comfort. Anything at all. There's a teddy bear sitting on the old armchair. Next to the portrait. Of all this places it could have been, it's next to the portrait. I snatch the bear up as quickly as I can. It's all I have. I turn away from the portrait and collapse on the couch. Those were happier times. So long ago.

I clutch the bear to my chest, bury my face against its fur and just cry. I won't get another chance.

I cry for a man who couldn't set down his responsibilities but couldn't bear to keep fulfilling them. For a father who loved his son enough to finally give him what he wanted. For someone who then found himself craving the same thing. For a king who did what he had to do to protect his kingdom. For a man who had to change or die and made his choice. For someone who ultimately felt he had no choice. For a stupid boy with no common sense.

He really could be an idiot sometimes. He never thought anything through. He sure didn't think this through. He planned it out, he made preparations, but he never stopped to think it through.

Never thought about what this would do to me.

I know he had his reasons. I understand them, even. That doesn't make it any easier. He was still my little brother.

I cry for my little brother, because I loved him enough to give him what he wanted, no matter how much it hurt me. He did what he had to do for his son. How could I do any differently for him? He always did his duty. So do I.

Right now, what I need to do is cry for him. Later, I will pull myself together and help everyone else make sense of all this. If _I_ can't pull myself together, how can anyone be expected to? I'm falling apart right now, but I will compose myself. For my family. For the Dreaming. For everyone. It wouldn't do for Death to cry at a funeral. But alone where only a teddy bear and two goldfish can see me, I can pretend that I am just a sister who lost her brother. This is my one chance to cry.

I can't waste it. The tears flow and I wonder how I will ever stop them. He's really gone. He'll never mope again. Never screw up his love life. His feud with Desire is ended. He'll never make another foolish decision in a moment of passion and then stubbornly refuse to stand down.

Because, in the end, he did try to make it right. I love him. I miss him. But for that decision, I am proud of him. He tried to change after all. He did the right thing. It wasn't easy for either of us, but it was the right thing.

I know that. When the tears pass, I will be able to accept it.

I don't know how long I sat there weeping before I heard the messengers coming. Long enough, I guess. I set the bear back in its place, dry my tears and compose myself as best I can. I am ready to face it all. There is still mourning to come, still goodbyes to say, but I have had my time to cry.


End file.
